I wonder if I'll die...?

I just ate four large rolls of week-old sweet bread that may or may not've been covered completely in mold. I thought about throwing it out, but it seemed best to just power through it. I wonder if I'll get sick... I'll let you know in a bit. But for now, I'm just feelin' fat, dumb, and happy.

Well, Steve, to get her to do anything, you may have to die

He may actually be the one who leaves first. And when he does, perhaps you’ll learn that your good looks, your false leverage, are not a free pass to just lay there. You’ll find that you have nothing meaningful to offer anyone. If your husband ever realizes that he deserves better, maybe then you will know that you have lost a man who loved you so much – one who woke up every day trying to give you the world in exchange for what little you gave him. You'll realize just how much he did for you. You will also find yourself ill prepared for life and destitute. Where is your appreciation? Where is the unconditional love and loyalty for your husband? Though inexperienced, a good man, none the less. But, what of you? What do you bring to the table? What are you contributing to your lives? He does everything for you so that you can just show up, oblivious to what it took to get you there. Every day, your one true weapon, your looks, deteriorates away and becomes more and more a dull, butter knife of its former self; soon you will have absolutely nothing. How dare you expect him to stick around when you do nothing to tend your relationship! How dare you expect him to stick around when all you do is talk shit and belittle him! Go ahead and leave, and see if you could find another man as good as him – not just good, but who is willing to put up with your shit. Your stubbornness and naivety will be your downfall. You’re a selfish, lazy, useless, and terrible person, and you’re a horrible mother who has no desire to learn how to be better. You are causing physical and emotional harm to you daughter and your marriage because of your irresponsibility. The fact that you don't care that you miss class, paid for by taxpayers, to sleep in 'til noon, while your neglected, infant daughter festers in her own filth speaks volumes of the person you are. I am utterly disgusted by you. Despite myself, I secretly wish for people like you to fail miserably, so that you’ll know.

To my special Little One

My son is one year old today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Road Rage for the Behavior Police

Why do people get SO annoyed when someone tailgates them? Are these weak-willed bitches prone to panic attacks? We don’t mean anything by it, I just wanna get to where I’m going as fast as my conscience will allow. I just think you fascists just need to quit trying to police peoples’ behavior and let me by! He's tailgating you – So WHAT?! He's not touching your vehicle in anyway and causing you harm - 'matter of fact, there’s, PROBABLY, a good three feet between you two. Who are you to claim so much road?! You may think he’s being annoying, but did you ever stop to think that it is YOU who is the one being the tyrant to the long train of cars behind you – you stupid cow?! Is he being a dick? …or are you being a douche for not getting over, and not letting faster traffic by? Quit paying attention to him and fuckin’ DRIVE! This guy isn't impeding your way and the world doesn't revolve around you - you Commie! I'm not gonna stop tailgating you just because you slow down - if you slow down, I’ll be right there with ya, buddy! If you’re late to where you gotta go, then it's totally worth me being late to where I gotta go - You'll just be the chode in my story about being late. Oh, and pumping your brakes doesn't faze a tailgater - it makes you a self-righteous prick and it also makes you the dangerous one. Are you willing to wreck your car and lose your life just because you feel you're in the right and you want to force your ideals on others? FASCIST!!!

A Prayer to an Old Friend

Oh, Rain, do you recall how I've whimsically chanted, many times before, the voodoo that pleads for you to, "go away and come again another day?" Well, today is that day, my friend! Come, come to California, MD and linger for just a while, for I wish to play with you this day. My jet has many fears and anxieties - one of them being a fear of heights - but none so great as the Global Hawk's fear of rain, snow, ice, and frost. Grant this bird of sight another day of rest before its long journey to a distant land. With your warm touch, be a blanket to us, here and now, and paint the sky with overcast. And, if you so will it - freeze this sky over the Patuxent River, so that many well-meaning, ugly people, those of whom were told to long await this day by the shallow and evil ones their hearts desire most, can finally get dates.

A Deal with the Blimey Deep

I travled far (14 miles THAT way) to Mechanicsville, MD, by minivan, and I made a pact with six, Old Bay-seasoned, blue crabs last night. In exchange for their soft, buttery innards, they would inflict small slices and punctures upon my hands, those of which I would not yet be aware of until I came across something citrus-y... like the lime atop the bottle of my corona.